I have just been so very busy lately but I have been keeping track of my pulling. I pull at least 3-4 hairs a day. We watched the Alien movie,I think it was the last one, Resurrection, today. I found myself getting a little tense so I crossed my fingers. I did pretty well through it.
I continue to have crushing fatigue...I think it's just menopause (fun fun)..but going to the doctor later this month so we'll see.
I have a lot to get done and I almost feel like throwing in the towel on my home business - not because it's not doing well, but because it's doing so well yet I don't have any time to do the work. Add to that the zero respect that my home business GETS...even though I have grown it in 7 years to be very busy, it is disrespected.
But sometimes the fact that it's getting no respect at home makes me want to do MORE with it, sort of a 'screw it, I'll show YOU' approach to life that often drives me to excel. My home business is personally very important to me, and it's an art/craft that also helps me fight pulling my hair.
If I just had more TIME I'd do fine, and perhaps when my youngest two are in school I'll find the time and peace and quiet I need
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Monday, July 9, 2007
Sunday, July 8, 2007
HPC: 0
My PMT is off the chart today. I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin! My oldest daughter is driving me nuts. She has only played on the computer all day today and I had to nag her over and over to do the dishes. Just the dishes, and we have a dishwashing machine...it's not even by hand! Oh the attitude a 13 year old can give off. I have had to punish her backtalking and balkiness by banning her from the computer for the next two days. She gets into that Disney Virtual Magic Kingdom and she seems to relate more to the virtual world than the real world. Well sorry, in the real world we have dirty dishes. Life ain't fair, deal with it.
I told myself this morning that I was going to have a pull free day no matter what, and so far I have succeeded. I caught myself running my fingers over my eyes and I stopped. No matter how aggravating my kid(s) can be or how aggravated I get, I am not going to pull today. Just one pull free day, and then another pull free day, and then just another pull free day...one day at a time, that's the goal.
My PMT is off the chart today. I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin! My oldest daughter is driving me nuts. She has only played on the computer all day today and I had to nag her over and over to do the dishes. Just the dishes, and we have a dishwashing machine...it's not even by hand! Oh the attitude a 13 year old can give off. I have had to punish her backtalking and balkiness by banning her from the computer for the next two days. She gets into that Disney Virtual Magic Kingdom and she seems to relate more to the virtual world than the real world. Well sorry, in the real world we have dirty dishes. Life ain't fair, deal with it.
I told myself this morning that I was going to have a pull free day no matter what, and so far I have succeeded. I caught myself running my fingers over my eyes and I stopped. No matter how aggravating my kid(s) can be or how aggravated I get, I am not going to pull today. Just one pull free day, and then another pull free day, and then just another pull free day...one day at a time, that's the goal.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
HPC: 5
Pulled some hairs ... 3-4 from my right eye, 1 right eyebrow hair tonight after trying unsuccessfully to help my daughter with her math work. I think trying to help her just pointed out my ineptitude and brought back my feelings of failure from math phobia. At age 13, she's already beyond my math ability but she's also reached her own ceiling of ability. The workbook we have sucks at explaining stuff.
Upon more thought, my HPC (Hair Pulling Count) idea is a little wrong, because a person can do one hard pull and a bunch of hairs will come out. So statistically it is semi useless information. But it would be difficult to count how many times I start to pull. Hard to tell what would count - just brushing across my eyebrow area...would that count?!? Know what I mean? So I'll just keep with the HPC idea for now.
My birthday was 'okay.' Nothing to write home about, but it was okay. I made my own birthday cake...it was good, but how pathetic that I had to make my own birthday cake. I don't really feel 42. Mentally I feel younger, but body-wise I feel about 62. I am so totally PMS'ing it's not even funny. My two youngest kids really drove me over the edge, although they were just being their normal selves...the stress of an almost 2 year old and an almost 4 year old just gets the better of me sometimes.
I would also like dh to step in and take over more of their care, even if just for an hour of my birthday, would it be too much to ask?!? My problem is that I don't ask and I should. Inside, I feel like it should be obvious that I need help like that. But apparently it isn't. The funny thing is that my dh told me the other night, "I don't know how you stand it all day long." That was the first time it was acknowledged that it is hard to stay at home with the kids (I also work from home) and that I don't sit on my rear eating bon bons all day. So you'd think it would be overtly obvious that I could use an hour to myself, at least on my birthday. Doy.
Pulled some hairs ... 3-4 from my right eye, 1 right eyebrow hair tonight after trying unsuccessfully to help my daughter with her math work. I think trying to help her just pointed out my ineptitude and brought back my feelings of failure from math phobia. At age 13, she's already beyond my math ability but she's also reached her own ceiling of ability. The workbook we have sucks at explaining stuff.
Upon more thought, my HPC (Hair Pulling Count) idea is a little wrong, because a person can do one hard pull and a bunch of hairs will come out. So statistically it is semi useless information. But it would be difficult to count how many times I start to pull. Hard to tell what would count - just brushing across my eyebrow area...would that count?!? Know what I mean? So I'll just keep with the HPC idea for now.
My birthday was 'okay.' Nothing to write home about, but it was okay. I made my own birthday cake...it was good, but how pathetic that I had to make my own birthday cake. I don't really feel 42. Mentally I feel younger, but body-wise I feel about 62. I am so totally PMS'ing it's not even funny. My two youngest kids really drove me over the edge, although they were just being their normal selves...the stress of an almost 2 year old and an almost 4 year old just gets the better of me sometimes.
I would also like dh to step in and take over more of their care, even if just for an hour of my birthday, would it be too much to ask?!? My problem is that I don't ask and I should. Inside, I feel like it should be obvious that I need help like that. But apparently it isn't. The funny thing is that my dh told me the other night, "I don't know how you stand it all day long." That was the first time it was acknowledged that it is hard to stay at home with the kids (I also work from home) and that I don't sit on my rear eating bon bons all day. So you'd think it would be overtly obvious that I could use an hour to myself, at least on my birthday. Doy.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Look deep into my eyes...
Look deep into my eyes...you will not pull your hair, you will not pull your hair...and you will especially not enjoy your private parts in public, even if it is a porn movie house....Happy Birthday to me, I wanna be pull free!
It's officially my 42nd birthday. YAY ME! LOL
And yes, I do look just like this.
(falls down, laughing)
And yes, I do look just like this.
(falls down, laughing)
I can't seem to get on the computer every day to post, but I bought a Composition Notebook to keep a log of my progress or lack of progress. So now I'll catch up:
July 6, 2007: (HPC: 2) HPC stands for Hair Pulled Count. Just my system for keeping track...
Pulled 2 hairs from right eyebrow. It felt wet. I don't know how I feel about that. Maybe it felt good, but my mental reaction was "Oh no - oh well!" Dammit I'm tired of this.
It happened while watching Larry King's Anniversary Special on CNN. Nothing stressful about that show to blame it on. Caught my hands going over my eyelashes several times and I was able to stop myself by leaning back on the sofa pillows and gripping a large handful of hair at the back of my head into a fist and keeping it clenched. I don't pull the hair of my head (yet and I hope I never start) and I guess doing this might not be the greatest avoidance option, it could lead to head hair pulling. I'll try sitting on my hands next time. I think it will help to have a plan of action of what I will do if I start to pull my hair, so I can quickly do something to counteract it.
July 5, 2007: (HPC: 6)
Pulled out 5 hairs out of my left eyebrow while opening the mail - the bank statement specifically. Yes you guessed it, I was worried about money. Later I pulled 1 hair out of my right eyebrow when the kids were stressing me out!
July 4, 2007: (HPC: 1-2)
I caught myself pulling today - on my right eye - the skin on my eye felt weird - like I was developing a stye (it was probably just hair growth pushing thru skin that made it feel that way) I pulled out one eyelash on the top lid, inside corner. I did NOT have a feeling of relief, it was more shocking to me how fast an eyelash had come out, even while I was 'working' mentally on stopping myself. I was watching TV at my brother in law's house when it happened - we were watching The Fugitive, starring Harrison Ford and I guess it caused me some tension. Damn good movie though, hair or no hair.
I did some close up examining of my face/skin today and found a small dark hair growing on the top of my nose. I plucked it with tweezers. I really don't think of counting that as a Trich action though. I am about 4 days away from my period. Just logging that to track a hormonal pattern. I'm not posting when my menstrual cycle is because I think anyone reading this blog will find that interesting! LOL...highly unlikely anyone would enjoy knowing...TMI
I was watching TV tonight and A (my daughter) was stroking through the top of her hair, and it looked like she was picking at her scalp too. God I hope and pray that she does not have and will not get Trich! I talked to her a bit about it and told her that it can often start at her age and to be careful of that, try to be aware of what she is doing. When the kids were little, I literally prayed to God fervently that I would have control of my Trich before my kids noticed it. But of course it comes and goes and they did notice it. I have had really frank talks about it with my youngest daughter but haven't had the opportunity to talk about it as much in depth with A. Today let me know that I should teach A more about it, so that if she is starting to do it, we can confront it early and she won't have to suffer.
If she is starting it, we can work on it with the same techniques I am trying to stop it. I don't want her to feel alone or shamed. There is a bit of fear I must admit I have - the fear that if I teach my kids too much about it, that that in itself could launch the Trich behavior.
I will continue to work on my own impulse control problem, and set an example.
July 6, 2007: (HPC: 2) HPC stands for Hair Pulled Count. Just my system for keeping track...
Pulled 2 hairs from right eyebrow. It felt wet. I don't know how I feel about that. Maybe it felt good, but my mental reaction was "Oh no - oh well!" Dammit I'm tired of this.
It happened while watching Larry King's Anniversary Special on CNN. Nothing stressful about that show to blame it on. Caught my hands going over my eyelashes several times and I was able to stop myself by leaning back on the sofa pillows and gripping a large handful of hair at the back of my head into a fist and keeping it clenched. I don't pull the hair of my head (yet and I hope I never start) and I guess doing this might not be the greatest avoidance option, it could lead to head hair pulling. I'll try sitting on my hands next time. I think it will help to have a plan of action of what I will do if I start to pull my hair, so I can quickly do something to counteract it.
July 5, 2007: (HPC: 6)
Pulled out 5 hairs out of my left eyebrow while opening the mail - the bank statement specifically. Yes you guessed it, I was worried about money. Later I pulled 1 hair out of my right eyebrow when the kids were stressing me out!
July 4, 2007: (HPC: 1-2)
I caught myself pulling today - on my right eye - the skin on my eye felt weird - like I was developing a stye (it was probably just hair growth pushing thru skin that made it feel that way) I pulled out one eyelash on the top lid, inside corner. I did NOT have a feeling of relief, it was more shocking to me how fast an eyelash had come out, even while I was 'working' mentally on stopping myself. I was watching TV at my brother in law's house when it happened - we were watching The Fugitive, starring Harrison Ford and I guess it caused me some tension. Damn good movie though, hair or no hair.
I did some close up examining of my face/skin today and found a small dark hair growing on the top of my nose. I plucked it with tweezers. I really don't think of counting that as a Trich action though. I am about 4 days away from my period. Just logging that to track a hormonal pattern. I'm not posting when my menstrual cycle is because I think anyone reading this blog will find that interesting! LOL...highly unlikely anyone would enjoy knowing...TMI
I was watching TV tonight and A (my daughter) was stroking through the top of her hair, and it looked like she was picking at her scalp too. God I hope and pray that she does not have and will not get Trich! I talked to her a bit about it and told her that it can often start at her age and to be careful of that, try to be aware of what she is doing. When the kids were little, I literally prayed to God fervently that I would have control of my Trich before my kids noticed it. But of course it comes and goes and they did notice it. I have had really frank talks about it with my youngest daughter but haven't had the opportunity to talk about it as much in depth with A. Today let me know that I should teach A more about it, so that if she is starting to do it, we can confront it early and she won't have to suffer.
If she is starting it, we can work on it with the same techniques I am trying to stop it. I don't want her to feel alone or shamed. There is a bit of fear I must admit I have - the fear that if I teach my kids too much about it, that that in itself could launch the Trich behavior.
I will continue to work on my own impulse control problem, and set an example.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Status
I haven't pulled a single hair since I posted about that obnoxious eyebrow hair (was that yesterday?) Believe it or not, I am already seeing new growth on my eyes, and I am so happy about that.
Still cautious and making myself think about what I'm feeling when I'm about to pull, or if I catch myself starting up. I need to diet too, but I decided I'm going to get my Trich more under control as a first step.
I have been drinking more water (I bought some bottled water to get myself motivated to drink more) and I have been taking some vitamins that have really been helping. My hair on my head is noticeably different after a couple weeks of taking these vitamins and I am really surprised by that. My hair on my head was very coarse- even the hairdressers would comment on how coarse my hair was. They actually used the word "coarse."
Now it's soft, and all I did was start taking vitamins.
They are the regular store bought hard type of vitamins - I thought I should try to find some gelcaps or even liquid vitamins to make sure my body would absorb them, but these hard vitamins seem to be working wonderfully. I thought to myself, if I had a dog or cat that was pulling out his hair or scratching, my first steps would be to check for fleas (I'm clear there, I think) and then I'd put him on a vitamin regimen. So that is probably a good course of action for me, too.
I should also try to get more sleep to help my nerves, but it's hard with young kids in the house, and with the older kids my nerves get frayed because they are always bickering. I can't seem to sit down and just relax for even a SECOND. If I could only get a teeny bit of respect out of the family, that would certainly help
Still cautious and making myself think about what I'm feeling when I'm about to pull, or if I catch myself starting up. I need to diet too, but I decided I'm going to get my Trich more under control as a first step.
I have been drinking more water (I bought some bottled water to get myself motivated to drink more) and I have been taking some vitamins that have really been helping. My hair on my head is noticeably different after a couple weeks of taking these vitamins and I am really surprised by that. My hair on my head was very coarse- even the hairdressers would comment on how coarse my hair was. They actually used the word "coarse."
Now it's soft, and all I did was start taking vitamins.
They are the regular store bought hard type of vitamins - I thought I should try to find some gelcaps or even liquid vitamins to make sure my body would absorb them, but these hard vitamins seem to be working wonderfully. I thought to myself, if I had a dog or cat that was pulling out his hair or scratching, my first steps would be to check for fleas (I'm clear there, I think) and then I'd put him on a vitamin regimen. So that is probably a good course of action for me, too.
I should also try to get more sleep to help my nerves, but it's hard with young kids in the house, and with the older kids my nerves get frayed because they are always bickering. I can't seem to sit down and just relax for even a SECOND. If I could only get a teeny bit of respect out of the family, that would certainly help
Hair pullers etc seem fairly intelligent to me
From looking at Trich sufferers all over the Internet, it seems to me that most are pretty intelligent people. Just look at the videos from YouTube that I posted. That one lady is quite young, and look at the professional videos she's created with music, fonts, etc.
These are not people who sit around and pull their hair out because they're bored. I have tested IQ level and I guess I'm not terribly smart because I can't remember what the score was, but I do remember it was higher than average, whatever that might mean. But if you will also look at the Trichotillomania bloggers, it's usually pretty obvious that they're intelligent people. Many are fantastic writers. It's not easy to put into words the frustration and humiliation that Trichotillomania causes, and somehow they do it - and quite eloquently. I read them and think, "I have felt the same - I can relate."
I have thought a lot today about this, and I wonder if Trich sufferers are very sensitive, not only to their own, but to others' emotions. I don't mean that we are all so sensitive that we break down sobbing every time we watch the news, but that we perhaps have a deeper perception for pain and suffering, and feel inadequate to be able to fix the pain of the world, we take some of it upon ourselves subconsciously and it comes out by pulling hair. If we were more oblivious and less caring or intelligent people, we could ignore everything and just go la-dee-dah through everything and keep up with what Paris is up to in the latest People magazine.
Just a theory to add to all the theories already out there. A previous theory I've had is that it could be allergy related.
What do you think? Please comment.
These are not people who sit around and pull their hair out because they're bored. I have tested IQ level and I guess I'm not terribly smart because I can't remember what the score was, but I do remember it was higher than average, whatever that might mean. But if you will also look at the Trichotillomania bloggers, it's usually pretty obvious that they're intelligent people. Many are fantastic writers. It's not easy to put into words the frustration and humiliation that Trichotillomania causes, and somehow they do it - and quite eloquently. I read them and think, "I have felt the same - I can relate."
I have thought a lot today about this, and I wonder if Trich sufferers are very sensitive, not only to their own, but to others' emotions. I don't mean that we are all so sensitive that we break down sobbing every time we watch the news, but that we perhaps have a deeper perception for pain and suffering, and feel inadequate to be able to fix the pain of the world, we take some of it upon ourselves subconsciously and it comes out by pulling hair. If we were more oblivious and less caring or intelligent people, we could ignore everything and just go la-dee-dah through everything and keep up with what Paris is up to in the latest People magazine.
Just a theory to add to all the theories already out there. A previous theory I've had is that it could be allergy related.
What do you think? Please comment.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Purge the Urge
I had the urge to pull my eyelashes last night. I was looking at the wall clock and thinking about al the stuff I need to do. I didn't feel panicked but I guess I would say I was feeling overwhelmed. I don't know if my peri- menopausal hormones are having anything to do with the pulling increasing...since Trichotillomania often starts around puberty mostly in girls, I have to figure there could be some hormonal component to this thing.
Today I had an eyebrow hair that was particularly stiff and bothered me. It had bothered me for a few days, but I wasn't able to pluck it, even with tweezers. Today, it was finally long enough for me to get a grip on it with tweezers, so I pulled it out. I had relief that I was finally able to get rid of it, but it wasn't so much a stress relief thing, it was more of a grooming thing...I felt neater when it was gone. CONFESS: Struggling with getting at that hair with my tweezers actually made me think of buying a "better" pair of tweezers...I don't need new tweezers, I just need to stop pulling!
How hair pulling makes me avoid things:
I will be happy when I stop pulling because I won't have to put on eyebrow pencil and eyeliner...I will have hair. I won't hate hot weather because it's melting my makeup off, exposing my secret. I won't need to avoid being in direct light anymore when I have hair.
Yesterday in the bright light, my friend's husband looked at me, and I could tell he noticed and wondered where the heck my eyelashes and eyebrows were. He was nice enough not to say anything, but I could tell what he was thinking. Embarrassing!
CONFESS: Pulling makes me paranoid
My eyebrows are the thinnest they've ever been. I think it bothers me not to have eyebrows more than it does not to have eyelashes. I have good lower eyelashes, for some reason I don't attack those...but the upper lashes are very sparse. I have sometimes been pulling and more recently lately, when I've found a hair on my leg that I missed while shaving, I'll pull it out with my fingers. It is more of a grooming thing, or could it also be my trich? I sometimes think, why do most people with trich seem to pull hair on thier head or their eyelashes/eyebrows? I have heard that people with Trich DO pull hair from all areas of their bodies, including the legs.
I wish I could just pull hair on my legs. Having no hair on a woman's legs is acceptable and heck..preferred, right? So I might 'give myself permission' to do the leg hair pulling and no eyelash/eyebrow pulling.
I have had less urge to pull today...I think just keeping a journal about it helps me stop and think what's going on with me before I start pulling it.
My niece is coming for a visit with her boyfriend in just a few days. I just got notice of this. Of course the house is a mess, and I have so much to do. I am thinking of all the stuff I need to accomplish, and of course hate that I will not look good due to my Trichotillomania issues...but I realize I better not let the visit stress me out or make me feel like a failure because my house isn't 'perfect'...or I'll end up pulling.
Today I had an eyebrow hair that was particularly stiff and bothered me. It had bothered me for a few days, but I wasn't able to pluck it, even with tweezers. Today, it was finally long enough for me to get a grip on it with tweezers, so I pulled it out. I had relief that I was finally able to get rid of it, but it wasn't so much a stress relief thing, it was more of a grooming thing...I felt neater when it was gone. CONFESS: Struggling with getting at that hair with my tweezers actually made me think of buying a "better" pair of tweezers...I don't need new tweezers, I just need to stop pulling!
How hair pulling makes me avoid things:
I will be happy when I stop pulling because I won't have to put on eyebrow pencil and eyeliner...I will have hair. I won't hate hot weather because it's melting my makeup off, exposing my secret. I won't need to avoid being in direct light anymore when I have hair.
Yesterday in the bright light, my friend's husband looked at me, and I could tell he noticed and wondered where the heck my eyelashes and eyebrows were. He was nice enough not to say anything, but I could tell what he was thinking. Embarrassing!
CONFESS: Pulling makes me paranoid
My eyebrows are the thinnest they've ever been. I think it bothers me not to have eyebrows more than it does not to have eyelashes. I have good lower eyelashes, for some reason I don't attack those...but the upper lashes are very sparse. I have sometimes been pulling and more recently lately, when I've found a hair on my leg that I missed while shaving, I'll pull it out with my fingers. It is more of a grooming thing, or could it also be my trich? I sometimes think, why do most people with trich seem to pull hair on thier head or their eyelashes/eyebrows? I have heard that people with Trich DO pull hair from all areas of their bodies, including the legs.
I wish I could just pull hair on my legs. Having no hair on a woman's legs is acceptable and heck..preferred, right? So I might 'give myself permission' to do the leg hair pulling and no eyelash/eyebrow pulling.
I have had less urge to pull today...I think just keeping a journal about it helps me stop and think what's going on with me before I start pulling it.
My niece is coming for a visit with her boyfriend in just a few days. I just got notice of this. Of course the house is a mess, and I have so much to do. I am thinking of all the stuff I need to accomplish, and of course hate that I will not look good due to my Trichotillomania issues...but I realize I better not let the visit stress me out or make me feel like a failure because my house isn't 'perfect'...or I'll end up pulling.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
I am smart but I do this stupid thing.
Oh God...where to begin.
I have thought about setting up a blog to deal with my Trichotillomania and my weight issues for a long time now. There is always the fear that someone will find out that I do this weird thing, I pull out my eyelashes and my eyebrows. Trich sufferers can pull hair from any areas of their body, but those are my areas. Shit, I hate it! Here I am, almost 42 years old and I am doing this stupid thing.
I have been pulling for 30 years now. Even when I'm pulling, I'm telling myself I should stop, but it's just like when I'm eating too much chocolate ice cream - I know my cholesterol level's high and I shouldn't have eaten any of it, but there I am eating it to the point of getting diarrhea from too much of it. What the hell?!? I am not stupid...I really try not to beat myself up over my eating or my pulling. I am smart but I do this stupid thing...
The trich comes and goes. I have times that I do not pull, and it all grows back in and I am sooo happy, and I think to myself, 'that's it, I will never do that again'....I might even exclaim to myself how 'crazy' it was that I did that, how could I do that? What a nutty thing to do.
And yet, there it comes again, seemingly out of the blue.
I do know I regress my feelings. I love my family but they drive me nuts. I can't blame my husband and kids for it, because ... bingo! They weren't around me 30 years ago, so there is nobody to blame but myself, but here I am talking blame again.
I remember the day it started...I can't remember now exactly how old I was, but I am pretty sure it was in about 1977. I was analyzing myself in the mirror the way most teens do, when I noticed a white eyelash. That was strange to me. It bugged me that it existed. It took some work and boy it was painful but I finally got that eyelash hair out (now I wouldn't feel that pain at all). I had an immediate feeling of relief. That is what it was.
So it all started on my right top eyelid. Now most of the time, my eyelashes are patchy at best.
Even when I've only pulled my eyelashes, I'd tell myself, "well, at least you aren't pulling your EYEBROWS!" What happened after that? I ended up pulling my eyebrows of course. Now I have those freaky drawn in eyebrows that aren't fooling anyone except the most oblivious people. And now I say to myself, "at least I'm not pulling the hair on my HEAD..." and that of course makes me worry that I will indeed do that eventually. The ingesting of the hairs that I have read some people do seems strange to me, but if Trich teaches a person anything, it has taught me not to judge. I could be there too.
And you know what? I am getting less and less fearful of admitting I have Trichotillomania. In the past, if someone asked about my eyelashes, I would claim I had an allergic reaction to some mascara. But now I am more likely to matter of factly say I have a neurological problem that causes loss of hair. I will probably avoid saying that I am the one doing the pulling though!
But maybe all people with Trich just need to come out 'of the closet' so to speak.
The TLC (Trichotillomania Learning Center) website says that it's estimated that 2% of the population has Trich. On Wikipedia it says 5%. I woudn't be surprised if it was almost 8-10% in reality, because we are all so good at hiding this thing that we think is a weakness of our characters.
I am of the opinion that it's a mix of stress but also genetics. I definitely think that working more on the assumption that it's genetically based somewhat will allow me to forgive myself.
Whenever I had therapy for my Trich, the therapists didn't know much about Trich. They always wanted to base it on some past abuse. Maybe in some cases it could be the root cause, but overall my family life was solid. Not perfect by any means, nobody's life is, but there wasn't anything I can think that would be awful enough to cause this.
MY TRICH PLAN OF ACTION:
Try to post to this blog daily about my pulling disorder
Clench my fists and count to 15 when I have urges to pull my hair
I have thought about setting up a blog to deal with my Trichotillomania and my weight issues for a long time now. There is always the fear that someone will find out that I do this weird thing, I pull out my eyelashes and my eyebrows. Trich sufferers can pull hair from any areas of their body, but those are my areas. Shit, I hate it! Here I am, almost 42 years old and I am doing this stupid thing.
I have been pulling for 30 years now. Even when I'm pulling, I'm telling myself I should stop, but it's just like when I'm eating too much chocolate ice cream - I know my cholesterol level's high and I shouldn't have eaten any of it, but there I am eating it to the point of getting diarrhea from too much of it. What the hell?!? I am not stupid...I really try not to beat myself up over my eating or my pulling. I am smart but I do this stupid thing...
The trich comes and goes. I have times that I do not pull, and it all grows back in and I am sooo happy, and I think to myself, 'that's it, I will never do that again'....I might even exclaim to myself how 'crazy' it was that I did that, how could I do that? What a nutty thing to do.
And yet, there it comes again, seemingly out of the blue.
I do know I regress my feelings. I love my family but they drive me nuts. I can't blame my husband and kids for it, because ... bingo! They weren't around me 30 years ago, so there is nobody to blame but myself, but here I am talking blame again.
I remember the day it started...I can't remember now exactly how old I was, but I am pretty sure it was in about 1977. I was analyzing myself in the mirror the way most teens do, when I noticed a white eyelash. That was strange to me. It bugged me that it existed. It took some work and boy it was painful but I finally got that eyelash hair out (now I wouldn't feel that pain at all). I had an immediate feeling of relief. That is what it was.
So it all started on my right top eyelid. Now most of the time, my eyelashes are patchy at best.
Even when I've only pulled my eyelashes, I'd tell myself, "well, at least you aren't pulling your EYEBROWS!" What happened after that? I ended up pulling my eyebrows of course. Now I have those freaky drawn in eyebrows that aren't fooling anyone except the most oblivious people. And now I say to myself, "at least I'm not pulling the hair on my HEAD..." and that of course makes me worry that I will indeed do that eventually. The ingesting of the hairs that I have read some people do seems strange to me, but if Trich teaches a person anything, it has taught me not to judge. I could be there too.
And you know what? I am getting less and less fearful of admitting I have Trichotillomania. In the past, if someone asked about my eyelashes, I would claim I had an allergic reaction to some mascara. But now I am more likely to matter of factly say I have a neurological problem that causes loss of hair. I will probably avoid saying that I am the one doing the pulling though!
But maybe all people with Trich just need to come out 'of the closet' so to speak.
The TLC (Trichotillomania Learning Center) website says that it's estimated that 2% of the population has Trich. On Wikipedia it says 5%. I woudn't be surprised if it was almost 8-10% in reality, because we are all so good at hiding this thing that we think is a weakness of our characters.
I am of the opinion that it's a mix of stress but also genetics. I definitely think that working more on the assumption that it's genetically based somewhat will allow me to forgive myself.
Whenever I had therapy for my Trich, the therapists didn't know much about Trich. They always wanted to base it on some past abuse. Maybe in some cases it could be the root cause, but overall my family life was solid. Not perfect by any means, nobody's life is, but there wasn't anything I can think that would be awful enough to cause this.
MY TRICH PLAN OF ACTION:
Try to post to this blog daily about my pulling disorder
Clench my fists and count to 15 when I have urges to pull my hair
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